Everyone has problems

Recently everyone around me looks like they are in a big mess.
So do I..
And seeing people around me struggling makes me more depressed.

My father struggles because of his job. His shop doesnt meke enugh money and he feels responsible to earn money for us and I see how stressed he is.
And my mom has a hobby and tries to sell the things she made on Instagram but seems like no one wanna buy them..

My sister is a teacher in a shitty school. Not just the kids are weird but the principle is weirder. She comes home so executed.

My grandma has Alzheimers and doesn't even recognize us..
My aunt takes care of her but she can't even leave the house and in the middle of mental breakdown.

One of my friends (who is gay) just got 'pranked' by 5 idiot guys on tinder... he doesn't even wanna see any straight guy now..

My country is trying to get ride of the pyd and pkk.. they bombed the eastren part of Turkey and a baby died.. and western media use this videos like Turkish people kills babies..
European countries are threatening us by war. 'Everyones beloved' Trump is threatening us by our economy (I mean our economy is already a mess)
And some politicians in Turkey being side of western countries against Turkey...
So I cant even handle to watch tv anymore.

And for me... I feel like a failure. I haven't even finish high school because I was 'too depressed to take' 2 damn exams... just 2...
I'm studying new languages instead... and gonna take an exam this weekend. An exam that I know that I'm gonna fail... an exam that I paid a lot...
I dont work and earn any money right now. I had a part time job for summer and the money I earned just covers for my cats vaccines.

My parents dont want me to work in a hard job because I have epilepsy... and the medicines I take every day costs a lot of money..
And not just money but I couse stress to my family..
They are always scared... even when I yawn in another room my mom runs and checks if that noise was me getting a seizure.
I do nothing but spend their money and couse trouble for them.

And it's not like I cant do anything... i could take that damn exams and go to university to get a good job.
But I didn't...

I took religion classes for years. And my parents paid a lot for the classes. I could just stick it a little more and became a religion teacher.
But I didn't..

And it's not like I'm not capable of anything...
I can draw..
I could stick to it and finnish the paintings and sell them...
I could be a webtoon artist..
I could have a patreon account and earn money somehow.
But I didn't...

I am a good writer if write.
I shared a lame fanfiction online and even had some fans.
I have ideas and even half of a novel to finnish and publish. I could've focused on it and become a real writer.
But I didn't...

And I know I'm the one to blame. Even if I'm gifted, I waste it. Even if my parents support me, I'm a failure..
And I'm a coward. I don't take that exams because I'm afraid to fail.
I dont finnish my book because I'm afraid to not be good to publish.
And I always prefer to run away instead of fighting...

I even wanna run away form this life.
I thouth a lot about suiciding. I know which way is less painful.
Sometimes I wanna cut my chest open with a big knife or scissors. When I'm near to a window, I imagine dropping myself to the ground.
But as I said I'm a coward.
I'm afraid that I will hurt my mom..
I'm afraid that my cat never know that I'm dead and she will think that she is abounded again.

And I hate myself because while everyone has problems, I'm acting like I have real problems...
I hate that i cry rightnow...
I hate I dont know how to appreciate what I have.
I hate that I have no one to blame but myself.

To fall for fictional ones

I am a fangirl and I do fall for fictional characters more than i fall for real human beings.
Lots of people think that's weird. I heard things like "but they are not real." , "They are just drawings." , "They will never love you back"

Well I know they are not real but "what is real?" We like people that we think who they are.. but than you learn that they not the one you think you they are.. so the one you liked, be friends with was not real too..
Or can you even be sure that the one you like is really how you think they are? You can't be sure.

And yeah they may be drawings or a book character that doesn't even have a feature. But I like them for their personalities, not how they look..

And yeah I know they will never love me back.. buy real ones doesn't love me back too...

Yeah I'm kind of weird girl. I was going a all girls school. We didn't have neighbors at my age so I never had a male friend till a certain age.
So my first crush was a cartoon character...
I had my first male classmate at age 14. And had my first real crush around those times.
No he wasn't my class mate. He was someone I deeply loved and someone who made me feel beautiful.. until he suddenly act cold and than married with some girl.
I was so sure that I wont find someone and be a part of a cute couple.
But than some boy came up and confessed me.. I said that I don't wanna get hurt again. I said that I was happy alone.. but he tried so hard and made a way to my heart
And after 1 and a half year... he engaged with some other girl.

So yeah.. fictional characters are not real... they dont even know you... they will never love you and you cant marry with them.
But they dont give you false hopes. They dont lie you and say they will stay by your side forever and suddenly disappear.
They are in your bookshlef when you need them most..
They are in a fanfiction on some random site. They are in a 'imagine' series online.
They are in your brain and in your imagination.

And they cant hurt you as real humans do...